<b>INVESTORS QUESTION "ELVIS," "DONALD DUCK,"
"TUPAC" SIGNATURES ON CORPORATE OATHS</b>
New York, N.Y. — While the SEC and President Bush lauded corporate executives for certifying their financial statements, investor groups poring over the pledges since the Wednesday deadline said they couldn't help but notice that nearly half the CEOs and CFOs did not appear to have signed their own names. <a href="http://www.satirewire.com/news/aug02/oaths.shtml">Click her for full article</a>
<b>EDUCATORS FIGHT TO PROTECT
SELF-ESTEEM OF GOOFY, LOSER KIDS</b>
Marido, Ohio — Arguing that nothing lowers a child's self-esteem like public humiliation, school administrators in this city of 15,000 are enacting new policies meant to keep students from being openly singled out for their deficiences, especially, school officials said, obvious losers like Nick Watson, Chandra Mueller, or those stupid Calucci twins. <a href="http://www.satirewire.com/news/june02/self_esteem.shtml"> Click her for full article </a>
<b>OBESE PASSENGERS DEMAND RIGHT
TO EAT PERSON IN NEXT SEAT</b>
Washington, D.C. — Controversy over a Southwest Airlines' policy continued today as advocates for the obese angrily insisted overweight passengers should not be forced to buy an extra ticket, but should instead be allowed to eat the person in the seat next to them. <a href="http://www.satirewire.com/news/june02/fast_food.shtml"> Click her for full article </a>
<b>GREENPEACE WILL NOW OPPOSE EVERYTHING</b>
Amsterdam — Known for its long-standing opposition to whaling, logging, strip mining, genetically modified food, nuclear power, the chemical industry, wars, corporations, politics, and weapons, the activist group Greenpeace today announced that as of 12:01 this morning, it will just oppose everything. <a href="http://www.satirewire.com/news/june02/greenpeace.shtml"> Click her for full article </a>
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