Dear Delta,
I used to write such nice things about you. I would talk you up like you were the super hero of airlines. Like you were something special. A friend. But now I hate you. I hate hate hate you. I used to love you, but you have fallen out of favor and now I hate you. And the reason is your entire fault. It was not me this time. It was not something I did, but something YOU did. It is all because if a little thing you decided to enter into our lives call ?Zone Boarding?.
What the f*** were you thinking when you started Zone Boarding. I think you should take the dips**t who thought up this gem and beat the living crap out of him. Just so we are not miscommunicating, let me make sure we are in agreement on Zone Boarding.
I, as a frequent business traveler, purchase very expensive tickets on Delta. Recently, it has been very expensive tickets on your ?low cost? airline, Song. Song, which is an acronym for ?sorry, only DAVE DOBRINDT has to wait to board?. I have been purchasing tickets to Orlando, Florida, a direct flight from Boston which takes 3 miserable hours. I have a client in Orlando and buy the ticket, probably three times as much as the person sitting next to me who is going to Magic Kingdom with his family and flies Delta once every 5 years when he goes to Disney, and twice as much as the slob next to me going to Orlando to visit his parents and play golf. I buy the effing ticket three days before I fly because everything in my work is last minute and I pay out of the nose because of it. I am a Sliver medallion and fast approaching Gold. Not a big deal for those who ARE Gold or Platinum, but much higher up than the Disney guy. And what do I get for this loyalty because, and believe me, it IS loyalty. I can fly any airline I choose. In fact, Delta isn?t even a PREFERRED airline for my company but I choose to ANYWAY. How stupid am I.
So there I am, ticket in hand, silver medallion tattooed on my forehead, all dressed up, laptop, one small black pull bag with the absolutely minimum of what I need, headphones to drown out the idiots next to me, gearing up to sit in my aisle seat and work because unfortunately that is far better than anything else I can do on a plane that will pass the time. And WHAT do I receive as a thank you from Delta. I am put into a ZONE that lets me, lucky me, board the very, very last on the plane. I am not f****** joking. There are six Zones. I am Zone six. I like aisle seats so I can do work, and I guess if you are in an aisle seat, Silver medallion and named David Dobrindt, you board last. Great idea! Reward the business travelers by not letting them get on early with their preferred status. If there is anything I hate about airline travel, even more than the idea of crashing, is boarding late. I have two bags. TWO. One briefcase, and one travel bag. I HATE getting on last, especially when I get to the gate early, and not able to put my bag directly above my seat. I HATE it. Do you hear me, HATE it. Getting on last is the ONLY thing that gives me anxiety about traveling because EVERYONE is looking at you while you struggle to find some spot to put your bag. You would think that Delta would try to keep the business travelers happy. Well, Delta, let me tell you something. I am not happy? Wait, there is one more thing I forget. What kind of food do I get with my $400 dollar ticket?? Huh?? I am given the option to purchase a $3 snickers bar. I do not even get a f****** BAG OF PRETZELS. Oh, sure, I get a cup of soda. But they hand out menus like I just sat down for my anniversary dinner and wheel an apple cart around filled with shit to buy. I CAN?T EVEN GET FREE PRETZELS.
So let me recap. I buy a seat that is three times as much as Delta, oh, excuse me, SONG, advertises on TV. I get to board as the plane is taxing down the runway, and then get s**t for food. Delta, I hate you. I used to love you, but hate you. I really do. Please stop this and get down on your hand and knees and beg me to come back. Because I got my two flights for a free round trip anywhere in the country and am going to try some other disaster for a while.
Goodbye.
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