That?s it. It?s over. The democrats left the city last Friday and things have returned to normal. There were no terrorist attacks (thank God), no real protests (too bad), no traffic problems (who cares) and nothing of any significance said by the speakers (no surprise). Oh sure, Hillary and Ted bored everyone to death with their monotone speeches about absolutely nothing, Bill was his usual coy self with his smug smirk, Howard Dean kept his cool and tried not to look pissed off the shindig was not about him, Barack Obama or whatever his freakin name is was kind of cool, Tereeeeeza Heinz put her foot in her mouth, John Edwards gave a fast past speech about hope or some kind of crap, and then there was John.
Oh John, John John John John John John. John ?F? Kerry. Johny. John, why do you mock me so? Why? First of all, next time remember to tell them to turn down the heat. You were sweating like David Duke at a Black Panther rally (thank you Dennis Miller, I use that one about once a week, not kidding). You even broke the rule and wiped your sweat soaked sculpture-gone-bad head like you just spilled a bottle of beer on your mother?s diamond studded oak floor. And why do you continue to speak like that? Huh? John Edwards showed you how to keep things moving. But you had to resort to the standard Hillary-Kennedy-everyone-else monotone way of speaking. I didn?t think it was possible to speak for 55 minutes and not have a single inflection in your voice. It was amazing. You were like some sound machine that people speak through with its batteries running out.
And DO NOT give us that crap about working for US, middle America. Just once I would like you, or any politician for that matter, because let?s be honest, almost everyone running for a high level office has more money than I could ever think of having in ten lifetimes, so be honest for once. How about this speach.
?I will fight for better health care where (make sure you read this slowly, in a inflectionless voice) there are not two classes of people and the rich and famous will not get better health care because they can afford it. Middle America will be able to get the same treatment as those of us, I mean those who are wealthy. Make no mistake, I fall into the ?wealthy class? and trust me, if me or mine ever had a problem I would not hesitate to call on the best doctor my wife?s money could buy. Do you think I would go through some book sent to me by a poorly run HMO trying to find a med school moron to misdiagnose me. NO effing way.
And (make sure you still keep that voice) the privileged will not get a better education and go to Yale or nice schools like that just because their parents can afford to send them to some 50 thousand dollar a year place that the teachers get paid to give them great grades and get them into the Ivys. Again, not me because my moms, a Forbes, had more trust funds than kids and I got to burn 100 dollar bills to keep my imaginary friend warm on chilly fall evenings, got to send me to the best schools around. But I feel bad for you, living in some second rate town with a poor school system and hell, this world needs janitors so why should I care about equal schools. But I WILL. FIGHT. FOR. YOU.
And why should someone struggle to pay their bills and loose their 90 thousand dollar house because your husband is gambling your money away at a casino boat. I will fight for you. It was just last week that I had a hard time locating a 20 dollar bill to tip the guy who keeps dust off my wine collection in my 6 million dollar Beacon Hill house. And I TOO struggled last year when my daughter?s boyfriend broke a crystal cigar cutter at our 9 million dollar Nantucket home. I know how it is to barely make your mortgage on some 700 square foot run down home next to a freeway. It was just last fall that my yacht took on a lot of water and I had to pay someone to clean it up with an eye dropper and a piece of silk cloth.
BUT I AM HERE FOR YOU. I will fight for the growing middle class of this country because the wealthy just keep getting richer. Me included. After all, Tereeeeezzaa and I are worth over a billion dollar. Most of you couldn?t imagine making a percentage of that in 100 lifetimes. I bet I spend more in one year on hair spray then most of you spend on food. And it?s just not fair. YEEEHAAA. I learned that one from Dean. Kerry OUT?
To spread my cynicism, the same comments apply to Bush, Clinton, Reagan, Arnold, and most every politician out there. These guys have millions and millions and they are doing this to make themselves and their Harvard Club buddies feel good. They should quit their disingenuous BS about healthcare and schools and tell us how they will keep the economy going and protect us from being blown up by terrorists. John Forbes Kerry should stop making his point by trying to divide this country (two classes) and stop playing ?fear? politics (if you don?t elect me terrorist will blow up your double wide) and try to make a salient point for once.
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