Song, Delta’s low fare carrier, is not longer the target of my ire. I am not traveling to the city that Song flies to and I take the wonderful Delta Shuttle to my new location, New York City. The new target of my complaining is going to be the New York Hilton.
I have been staying at this hotel every week for the past 6 weeks. Every…single…time…I check in they treat me like it was my first time in NY and the first time in their hotel. Here is how the exchange usually goes.
I wait in the Hilton Honors check-in line forEVER while the non Honors line moves like the conga at my friend Ray’s wedding. When I finally get called up, I shake the dust of my suitcase and wipe the cobwebs that have formed around my neck.
Me: Hi, checking in for the week.
I hand over my ID and credit card.
Clerk: (in a monotone and disingenuous voice) Hello Mr. (terrible pronunciation of my name), welcome to the NY Hilton, we are glad to have you.
Me: (mutter under my breath) No you’re not, stop lying you lying liar. You hate me.
Me: Thanks, I have two questions when you’re ready.
Clerk: (with no expression at all other than utter discontent that I am bothering him/her). Go ahead.
Me: Can I have a room on a high floor and is there any way I can have access to the concierge room.
Clerk: (doesn’t even think for a split second, response is faster than my buddy Jay reaching for a free beer). You are not a diamond level and have not purchased this option and our policy states...blah blah blah. (clerk launches into a long scripted response about policy and they cannot do this and there is no way that I am getting this).
Clerk: Let me see about the high floor…kind of tight today…not looking good…really full…highest I can do is 8…we are so freakin busy my eyes are going to pop…holy mother of God there is no way we can do high floor…you stupid ugly goat-kissing jerk how can you ask for a high floor…OUT of here right now and sleep on the street...asking for a high floor…who the (expletive deleted) do you think you are…Paris Hilton or something…high floor…jerk.
Ok, that last one was made up. I usually get a polite answer for my options. Never an issue with the floor.
Clerk hands me my key.
Clerk: Elevators are around the lobby to the left.
Me: I have been here six weeks in a row, I know where they are.
Clerk: Hope you enjoy your stay.
Me: Shut up! No you don’t. You hope I DON’T enjoy my stay. I will get to my room and it will smell like smoke and the bathroom will smell like elephant dung was recently hidden in there. Then I will find out that there is no wired broadband connection and the wireless in that room is spotty. Then I will get either a flat panel plasma that takes 3 seconds for each channel to materialize or a regular TV with dead batteries in the remote. And oh yeah the bathroom will not have shampoo or there will be dirty cue tips on the floor and the air conditioner will be loud I know it because there is SOMETHING wrong every single time I am here and when I try to remedy it things only get worse. Then I will be charged for a mini-bar item even though I told them to keep the key and there will be an extra charge for the internet use how can I be charged three times in a 24 hour period after the stupid thing DIDN’T EVEN WORK!!! Then the clerk will tell me she will take care of it but the computers are down and that is a ruse to get me to leave and she will not do anything and I will not realize it until I do my expenses three weeks later WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO I pay what you ask for your tiny run down rooms. And in the off chance I leave something in the room after I check out like I recently did with my iPod Shuffle I can kiss that goodbye and what will you say to me? Nothing. Not an apology for not being able to retrieve my item. Not a sorry that it disappeared somehow. Nothing after I have to leave 4 messages to NOT get a return call from lost and found and have to go through security and not have one…single…call…back…from anyone. And what will I do to reward the Hilton chain which is a laughing stock because of a silly media whore named Paris? I’ll book 3 nights a week for the next 2 months. All because I have committed to building my Hilton points. That one single dumb reason is why I will come back week after week and endure your torment.
Clerk: Have a free breakfast coupon.