Yesterday I got to go through our airport security with an overnight bag. I was flying early in the morning from Boston to Iowa, then from Iowa to NY where I would spend the night.
This is the first time I was taking on a carry-on bag sine craziness-II started.
I decided to not check my bag because I didn't want to. Airplane travel has become a frustrating hassle but screw terrorists. I am going to adapt and deal with the measures we are forced to take to be safe. As ineffective as those measures might be, and as outlandish as they might seem (no water bottles on a plane?), I was going to deal with it.
When I made the decision to not check my bag, I decided to call the hotel where I was staying...
When I made the decision to not check my bag, I decided to call the hotel where I was staying, the crappy NY Hilton on 6th avenue. Just that morning the handsome Matt Lauer was interviewing some guy who was showing these complimentary bags of toiletry products that hotels are giving to their guests. They have things that are not allowed on planes, the dangerous toothpaste, the lethal mouthwash, the treacherous hand lotion. Here was this guy sitting at an airport somewhere showing these small bags of crap that air travelers got. For free. From very nice hotels.
So I called the NY Hilton. Good times.
Me: Hi, I am a Diamond member and am staying there Thursday night. Do you offer complementary toiletries in the room?
NY Hilton: (silence)
Me: You know, stuff in the room because flyers are not allowed to carry normal hygienic products on the plane.
NY Hilton: (barely audible) I’m sorry, I don’t understand your question.
Me: Oh for Christ’s sake, do you offer free toothpaste and shaving cream in the room?
NY Hilton: Our rooms have shampoo, soap and conditioner.
Me: Yeah, I know, but some hotels are giving their guests stuff that would normally be in their washroom kit (I made that up to throw her off, who calls it a washroom kit?), stuff that is now banned on flights. You know what I’m talking about? You know what’s going on…in the news…with airport security in a state of frenzy…the plot to blow up a bunch of planes in Great Britain…a couple of weeks ago…and they don’t allow toothpaste and stuff on flights…any of this ringing a bell.
NY Hilton: What does this have to do with the NY Hilton?
Me: Just answer the question?
NY Hilton: The rooms have mini-bars where you can purchase a shaving kit or toothpaste kit.
Me: How much are they?
NY Hilton: Let me transfer you to guest services.
Me: Your hotel is satan's palace.
NY Hilton Guest Services: Can I help you?
Me: How much are the mini bar toiletries?
NY Hilton Guest Services: 10.95 for the toothpaste kit, 14.95 for the shaving kit.
Me: What? What’s in each kit?
NY Hilton Guest Services: The shaving kit has a disposable razor and a small thing of shaving cream.
Me: For 15 bucks? Does it come with a back massage?
NY Hilton Guest Services: The toothpaste kit comes with a disposable toothbrush and small thing of toothpaste.
Me: You do know that both the toothbrush and toothpaste probably cost a buck or two?
NY Hilton Guest Services: (here is where things took a nice turn). I know sir, it’s kind of expensive. There are three 24 hour drug stores with 3 blocks of the hotel. You can buy all you need for much less there. They are called Duane Reed.
Me: Thank you.
So my plan was to 1) bring my carry on bag on the plane. 2) Try to smuggle the banned items on and play dumb when TSA holds a gun to my head demanding to know where the black tar heroin was. And 3) buy this crap when I got to NY.
But I was not sure how they were going to determine if I had contraband in my bag. When I take the Shuttle, they just pass the bags through a normal metal detector. I’m no expert but I didn’t know they could see bottles and stuff. I guess they can.
So very early Thursday morning I got to Logan and got in the normal security line. There is a speedy go straight through Shuttle line and a much slower cattle chute for the rest of them. This morning I was cattle.
I even got tagged to stand in a large phone booth and have air blown all over me, messing up my hair but giving me a cheap thrill.
I was almost free of the border when they took my bag and put it through an extra scanner. Then a young overweight TSA guy asked me if he could look in my over night bag.
I was sweating. He knew something was wrong. These are trained security professionals. Most have advanced degrees in psychology and human behavior. He could tell I was hiding something. He was on to me.
He immediately went to my very nice Coach leather toiletry bag, thank you Vernette Anderson for that gift many years ago, and unzipped it.
He spoke a code word into a microphone clipped to his collar and immediately 3 large men appeared out of nowhere.
“What is this?” He asked as he held up a small red bottle of Barbasol foam shaving cream, about half empty.
“And what is THIS?” He demanded louder as he held up a Right Guard aerosol deodorant spray bottle.
Shit. Should I run? Drop my briefcase and take off. Which direction? Into the airport or out on the street. Who would post bond. Maybe take a hostage. If I was not getting away from the long arm of the law, then I was not going to let them take my freedom AND my cleanliness products. This cowboy aint going out like that.
I laughed nervously and told him that I didn’t know how they got there.
He gave me an icy stare.
I then told him that I didn’t know they were banned, which was a clear confession, because he never told me they were banned. He played me like a fiddle. I just fell into his trap, snared like a rabbit in a cabbage patch.
Ok, so maybe it wasn’t as dramatic as that. He basically took my shaving cream and deodorant and asked me if I wanted to check my bag and keep the stuff .He even looked embarrassed. I said no thank you, I will just go through the following day bleeding all over my face from dry shaving and smelling like a goat in August heat and went on my way. So I can carry on a razor with a razor blade but not shaving cream?
I went through my day and when I got to NY at midnight I took a walk and bought some stuff. Not a huge deal. It would be nice if the hotels offered travel size items at normal cost, as a convenience to their customers, but in NY there IS a 24 drug store on every corner, so it’s really not a big deal. Plus I bought a candy bar, a rare treat, when I was there. I wouldn’t have done that otherwise.
I read this morning that they are planning on letting people carry toothpaste and bottle water. Those two are the biggest issue for me. I wish they would let people put some shaving cream into a zip lock bag and bring that on, leaving the actual can at home, because all I usually need is to use it once. But they have their rules, I have my needs, and we all have to be safe. As long as they don’t start banning people from flights, I can learn to live with the consequences.
Peace out - Dave
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