I remember the first time I really thought about the gifts for the 12 days of Christmas.
On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me A partridge in a pear tree.
Woh, slow down. Let's get through our first Christmas before we start throwing around words like "true love". And is a live bird really the best gift to give? Why be so specific with the type of fruit tree you shoot the bird out of? What if pear trees are hard to grow in, say, the harsh New England climate? We're getting off to a bad start if this is the gift on day one.
On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me Two turtle doves
While I like pigeons and doves, they taste like chicken, finding a dove that is indigenous to Europe and Africa might be hard in the states. But I guess getting two would be nice, that way we have left-overs.
On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me Three French hens
What's with the birds? I got a partridge and two doves crapping all over my house, now you want to add a socialist chicken with a taste for wine? Maybe I'll staple a beret to their heads to make the kids laugh.
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me Four calling birds
I'm getting worried about your fascination with birds, I now count 10. And what will I get with a calling bird? It's not a species to the best of my limited knowledge. Maybe it refers to birds that sing, but I think most birds sing so what the heck?
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me Five golden rings
Now we're talking. Suddenly you go from giving things you can capture with a little sweat and effort to giving gold jewelry? Did your IPO spike or were you lucky with the Vikings last Sunday. Either way, give me those rings and clear the path to the pawn shop.
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me Six geese a-laying
Now we're back to the birds. But instead of something pretty, I get to watch these annoying poop-dropping geese give birth, a wonderful present around Christmas. Why not a gift certificate to watch the dentist. Unless these geese are laying golden eggs, keep them away from me.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me Seven swans a-swimming
For crying out loud, enough with the freakin birds. What IS your fascination with these creatures? Swans are pretty and swimming is a graceful motion, but I have no pond, no lake, I don't have a swimming pool and if they get loose in the local stream they'll be attacked by the ducks. Nice thought though.
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me Eight maids a-milking
I like the idea of eight maids, especially the Scandinavian kind if you get my drift, but can they clean my house and stay away from the cows or whatever they plan on a-milking. And if there are eight of them in my small house, I better be able to eat off the top of the armoire or they are coming back to finish the job.
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me Nine ladies dancing
Don't you mean a-dancing. All month you give me a bunch of birds and suddenly I get 8 maids and 9 chicks dancing. Why the sudden change in attitude? What kind of dancing and for how long, who supplies the music and if they bring a pole can I call over some friends?
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me Ten lords a-leaping
How much did it cost you to get lords to jump in the air as a Christmas present? I'm kind of interested in this one, I'll be honest. It's original and simple. I like it.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me Eleven pipers piping
I hope they are bag pipes, eleven of those would sound GREAT in my living room. It might scare the cat so added bonus.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me twelve drummers drumming
With the bag pipes I bet the drums will sound awesome. Maybe I can get the dancing ladies to go on at the same time as the drums and pipes. This is going to be one hell of a party, that much I know.
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